Just a dream
by Sofia777
Summary: This story has spoilers for the movie, so do not read if you have not seen the film! I loved the movie, but re-wrote the ending to make it just slightly different for Steve and Bucky... Basically, the last part was just Bucky's dream...


Just a bad dream…

STOP READING RIGHT NOW IF YOU HAVE NOT YET SEEN AVENGERS ENDGAME!

_So... the ending wasn't so great for me… so I decided to re-write it a little… Have fun and again: DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVE NOT YET SEEN THE FILM! _

_Also, I don't own and make no profit. Apologies for spelling mistakes etc. _

'Steve!'

Bucky sat upright in bed. Waking up from the sound of his own voice. That happened a lot lately but this dream had been new. New and disturbing.

He got up without thinking and left his bedroom. The halls of the Avengers' facility were dark and quiet. It must be deep in the night still. Bucky walked barefoot through the hall towards Steve's room.

Things had been hard lately. Unsurprisingly, after everything that had happened. It seemed like the weight of Tony's and Natasha's deaths and all the stress Steve had gone through really affected Bucky's best friend. He was different. Depressed. He walked around with dark circles under his eyes, avoiding meals and telling everyone he was fine, but Bucky knew better. Steve was not fine. But he wasn't talking about it. At least, not to Bucky.

Bucky still hadn't really understood everything the others had told him about the time travelling and the fact that five years had - apparently - passed. All that mattered to him was his best friend. He felt his heart sink when Steve described those years, the therapy groups, the challenges, the sleepless nights, Clint returning from the time travel without Natasha… He desperately wished there was something - anything - he could do for his oldest friend. He knew it were those feelings that led to his nightmares. The nightmares about Steve falling from a train, Steve downing in a river, Steve disappearing in a blast of fire while jumping towards him.

But this one today was new. Steve, Sam, Bruce and himself had been preparing for Steve to travel back in time to return the Infinity Stones. Steve left, and came back an old man, handing his shield over to Sam. He had stayed in the past and lived the life Tony had told him to live. It seemed like it had been good for Steve. It had been terrifying for Bucky. He woke up feeling like his heart was broken. Like he was going to throw up and have his stomach ripped out of him at the same time. He needed to see Steve. To know he was ok. To know he was there. Steve would understand.

But at his friend's bedroom door Bucky hesitated. Going to see Steve had been such a reflex. For Bucky, no time had passed. Steve had lived 5 years without him. Maybe things had changed? Maybe they had changed too much? Maybe acting on reflex wasn't a good thing anymore?

But the need to see Steve was too strong.

Bucky knocked. Softly. Maybe he wouldn't wake Steve up and just watch him sleep for a while…

But the door opened.

'Bucky?'

Steve stood in the doorway. He looked sleepy, rubbing his eyes while his blond hair was sticking out in all directions and wearing only an old pair of flannel pyjama bottoms.

'What is it? Are you OK?' He asked. Bucky saw the look in his friends' eyes changing from sleepy to alert. He immediately regretted coming.

'No man. I'm sorry. Everything is fine. Go back to sleep.'

But of course - Steve being Steve - he didn't accept that answer.

'Bucky, what is it? You seem upset. Did something happen?'

'No I just… had a nightmare…' Bucky avoided Steve's eyes. Suddenly he felt like a childish idiot, waking his friend up just because he had had a bad dream. But Steve just looked at him.

'Wanna come in?' He said while stepping aside and holding the door open.

Bucky smiled hesitantly at him, and walked in.

The room was mostly dark. A small light was on by Steve's bedside and Bucky saw a book lying open on the pillow.

'You were reading?' He asked while sitting down uncomfortably on the edge of the bed.

'Yeah…' said Steve.

'Couldn't sleep?'

Steve just shrugged and closed the door. 'Do you want some tea?'

Bucky nodded. 'If I don't keep you up.'

'No worries Buck. I am not sleeping that great anyway.'

'Why not?

'Just… you know… too much on my mind, I think.'

'Like what?' Bucky asked.

Steve shrugged again and then smiled at Bucky. 'I thought you were here to talk about your nightmare'

'Well…'

'Tell me, Buck!' Steve said while putting on water for the tea.

'It was just a weird dream, Steve…' Bucky said dismissively. 'I woke up and just needed to see you.' Steve looked at him. Bucky felt uneasy. He brushed his hair behind his ears in an unnecessary gesture. 'I guess it was stupid. I'll just go back to bed.'

He got up, but Steve put his hand up and said: 'No Buck, stay! I want to hear it. I wasn't sleeping anyway. I am glad you're here.' He sighed and picked up a teabag. 'If nothing else it will distract me from my own thoughts.'

Bucky snorted. 'Jeez thanks Steve.'

Steve rubbed his hands over his eyes. 'Sorry. You know that's not what I meant.'

'Yeah I know.'

They were silent for a little bit while Steve made the tea. Then Bucky said hesitantly: 'I do kinda wanna know what's been on your mind lately, you know.'

Steve smiled at him. 'I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours, bud.'

Bucky smiled back. 'Fair enough.'

Steve handed Bucky a cup of tea and sad next to him on the bed. 'So, what did you dream?'

Bucky took a deep breath and kept his eyes on his teacup. 'I dreamed that you were going to the past to return the infinity stones, and you didn't come back. You stayed in the past and then you were there as an old man on a bench. You had decided not to time travel back to… ' he hesitated, '… to us.' He had almost said '… to me' but that felt somehow too strong, too intimate.

He felt Steve's eyes on him but he didn't look up.

'Why did I do that?' Steve asked quietly.

'You said you wanted to live, like Tony had told you to do. You had gotten married…. to Peggy, in the past.' Bucky said the last words so soft he wasn't sure Steve would hear him. But he did. Bucky could tell by Steve's small gasp, but he didn't respond immediately.

'And…' Steve started hesitantly, 'that was upsetting to you?'

Bucky looked up now. Surprised. 'Of course it was, Steve!'

'Why?'

'What do you mean _why_? You were an old man! You had decided to stay in the past and do your life over in a whole other way. A better way. You had decided you rather life without… us. Without the Avengers. Without your friends. Without….'

Bucky couldn't look at Steve anymore. Suddenly he wished he hadn't told Steve about this dream. Of course it seemed like a good thing to Steve. He had lost so much already. Not just Peggy and all those years in the ice, but now also Tony… and Natasha… Bucky hadn't had the chance to really get to know either of them, but he understood how important they both had been to Steve. How important they still were. And Steve had lost them. He was left with a trauma that was probably incomprehensible to anyone, and the people who had helped him through it were mostly not there anymore… It was just Bucky now. Bucky who selfishly came to him for comfort after a nightmare that was probably Steve's favourite daydream… Bucky felt the familiar pain in his gut. He had to leave

He put the tea on the table next to the bed. 'I should go.' He said and got up again.

'Bucky…' Steve said quietly while laying a hand on Bucky's arm. 'Please sit. I'm sorry I responded like that. Of course that was upsetting to you. It was insensitive of me.'

Bucky groaned internally. Great, now he made Steve apologise for Bucky being insensitive himself. Shit.

'Steve' Bucky sat back down. 'Don't apologise. I should do that. I just realized that of course my nightmare is like a perfect dream for you. Of course you would choose that. I'm sorry… I just… ' Bucky sighed and looked down at the floor to avoid looking at Steve. 'I just feel like you went through so much without me and now I am suddenly back into your life after all this time… and I cannot support you. I cannot help you. I keep dreaming that you are falling, or burning or downing and there is nothing I can do.'

Bucky heard Steve starting to say something next to him, but he cut him off. 'I feel like I claim your friendship based on what we were all those years ago. But we are not those guys anymore, are we? So much has happened and I still need you to save my live over and over and over again… But maybe that's not want you want to be doing. Maybe if you could choose you would be…'

'… travelling back in time to marry Peggy?' Steve completed his sentence.

'Yeah…' Bucky admitted awkwardly. He hadn't really meant to say all those things about Steve saving his life and needing him and all that. It had just slipped out and now he kinda wished he could take it back because he was afraid of Steve's answer.

'You think I don't need you?' Steve asked so soft it was almost a whisper.

Bucky couldn't look at him. 'I don't know Steve… I wouldn't blame you if you didn't.'

'Buck…' Steve sighed and buried his face in his hands. 'Buck, honestly, why do you think I did all this? Why do you think I travelled in time to bring you and the others back? Why do you think I couldn't move on? Why did I need therapy?'

Steve's voice was getting stronger and Bucky felt his unease grow. He was upsetting Steve. This was not going as planned.

Steve continued. 'After I came out of the ice I adapted. Yes it was hard and I missed my old life. My old _self_. I missed Peggy, I missed you, I missed Brooklyn. Everything! But I adapted. I handled it. But when I got a chance to get you back - even though everybody warned me it would not be you anymore - I took it. I didn't hesitate to leave the Avengers - to leave _Tony and Natasha_, because I needed it more to have _you._'

Bucky felt Steve's eyes on him, but he still couldn't move.

Steve continued in a softer tone: 'When Tony and I were in the 1970's - I told you about that, didn't I? Tony talked to his father?'

Bucky nodded. 'You saw Peggy…' He whispered.

'Yes.' Said Steve. 'And I didn't talk to her. I didn't follow her. I just liked to watch her and see how strong and successful she still was. Or again… it still gives me a headache to find the right tense to talk about it, but anyway. It was enough just to see her.'

Steve sighed. 'I might have loved her a lot and I might think we would have had a future together in the past, but that doesn't mean she felt the same. I am happy to know she was happy. And she _was!_ I asked her when I saw her again all those years later. Before she died. I asked her if she had had a good life, if she had been happy…. And she was. That was good. That was all I ever wanted for her.'

Bucky nodded again. Not sure what to say.

'You know what I did really hesitate about doing back in the 1970's?' Steve asked.

'No.' Bucky responded. 'What?'

'Going off to find you.' Said Steve.

Bucky looked up. Locking eyes with Steve for the first time since he had unintentionally poured his heart out.

Steve looked back at him. Strong and fierce. Decisive, as only Steve could look.

'What?' Bucky asked incredulously.

'I thought about finding you. Saving you. Protecting you from all the horrible things that were about to happen to you in the future.'

Steve looked away. Staring at the door now. 'I have no regrets about Peggy, Buck. She had a good life. My regrets are about you.'

'Steve… what happened to me wasn't your…'

'I know. You said that before, Buck. But that doesn't mean I don't regret it.'

Steve looked at his teacup in his hands and took a deep breath. 'Bucky, if I would go back in time to replace those damn stones and somehow went rough it would be to safe you. To get you out of Hydra's hands. Hell, to prevent them from ever getting to you. To prevent you from ever getting on that damn train. I would have made you stay in Brooklyn.'

Bucky swallowed hard and tried to smile at Steve. 'Like you could have made me stay in Brooklyn while you were out there fighting a war, Stevie.'

Steve smiled at Bucky's use of his old familiar nickname. The nickname only Bucky used.

'Maybe we should have both stayed in Brooklyn.'

'Yeah, 'cause they would have let Captain America stay home.' Bucky said sarcastically.

Steve looked at him again. 'Maybe I shouldn't have become Captain America in the first place. Maybe we should have both stayed in Brooklyn. No super soldiers. No ice. No ridiculously long life.'

Bucky frowned at him. 'But you wouldn't have saved all those people. You wouldn't have known Sam, Bruce, and Clint…. And Tony and Natasha…'

'But I would have had you.' Steve said it so softly Bucky hardly heard him.

'You have me now, Stevie.' Bucky looked at him intensely. Steve looked back. 'But at what costs, Buck? So much has happened. So much damn pain and suffering. I fought with Tony for you. I left the Avengers for you. I got Sam and the other imprisoned for you. I travelled through time and space to get you back because no therapy group could ever help me get over losing you. And God knows I would do it all again. In a heartbeat. No doubt! But sometimes… sometimes I wonder if it would not have been easier to just stay in Brooklyn with you. Just you and me. A normal, boring, quiet life. Just you and me...'

Steve had looked away from him again while saying those last words. Bucky thought that was probably a good thing because he felt like he couldn't breathe in the wake of Steve's sudden confession. Never, in a million years did Bucky thought about everything Steve had done for him in that way. But also… never in an million years would he NOT choose to be with Steve in any scenario, or timeframe or planet! War or no war!

'Steve…' Bucky said while laying his hand over Steve's hands holding the teacup. 'Is that what has been on _your_ mind lately? Is that what has been keeping you up?'

Steve smiled without looking at Bucky.

'I cannot function without you, Buck. Five years and I just didn't know what to do with myself… And now you're back I am just still so… broken. You said you could understand if I don't need your friendship anymore, but it is the other way around, Buck… I could understand if you do not want to be my friend anymore, if you do not recognise that Stevie from Brooklyn in me anymore… Most days I don't…'

Bucky took the teacup out of Steve's hands and placed it on the table. Then he took both Steve's hands in his and tried to look his friend in the eyes. Steve avoided him. 'Steve, look at me.' He said. Steve looked up. Hesitantly.

'Stevie, I love you.' Steve's eyes widened.

'You know what I mean, punk. You're my family. You are all I ever had in this life, or any other life in any other parallel timeline or planet. I don't care if you're broken or depressed or..'

'I'm not depressed!' Steve spluttered.

Bucky frowned at him. 'You joined a therapy group, Steve? Please!'

'That was while you were gone.'

'Well, I'm here now and you still walk around like you carry the weight of the world. Not talking to me or Bruce or Sam. Not sleeping. Not eating.'

Steve pulled his hands out of Bucky's and leaned back on the bed. 'It's just a lot, Buck. A lot has happened.'

'Of course it has. Enough to make anyone depressed. Just talk to someone about it. If you don't want to talk to me you can talk to Sam or get a therapist. Go back to the group!'

'No Buck.' Steve said dismissively. 'I wanna talk to you…'

'Then why haven't you?' Bucky asked.

Steve sighed. 'Things seemed different between us. Heavier. Somehow like too much had happened to just…'

'…knock at my door in the middle of the night just to talk to me?' Bucky finished his sentence while giving Steve a knowing look.

Steve grinned. 'Yeah. That.'

Bucky grinned back. 'Well, good thing I overcame that then.'

Steve nodded at him.

Bucky looked at the bed behind them. 'You wanna get some sleep?'

'No.' Steve said quickly. 'Don't go.'

'I wasn't planning on leaving.' Said Bucky grinning and he got up to lift the covers on Steve's bed. Steve looked at him doubtfully. 'You're…. staying? Here, with me?'

'Yeah! If that's ok with you?' Bucky said while picking up the book from the pillow and placing it on the bedside table.

'Yeah. Yes, of course. Just… You sure?'

Bucky looked at him. 'Of course, Steve. I am glad you finally let me do something to help you. And it will help me too. Now, get up so I can lift these covers.'

Steve got up and then carefully stepped into the bed. Bucky stepped in next to him and turned the lamp next to the bed off.

They lay next to each other in the dark. Bucky pulled the covers up over both of them. 'You OK, Stevie?'

'Yeah, I'm fine.'

'Wake me up if you need anything?'

'I will, thanks Buck.'

It was like a déjà vu, saying those words. In the dark, next to each other in bed, it could have been their old small bed in Brooklyn. It could have been the 1930's. It could have been like they just travelled back in time…

'Goodnight Stevie.'

'Goodnight Buck.'

_What do you think? Should I continue or not? And if yes, in what direction? _


End file.
